Title: The Kirk
Fandom: STXI
Pairing: K/S
Rating: R 
Word Count: ~1300
Summary: In which Kirk is surprised, and Spock learns his lessons well. For this awesome prompt on the kink meme: Kirk's sexual prowess is legendary, right? So really, it was only a matter of time before sombody started marketing it. While on shoreleave, Jim discovers the best selling dildo to ever hit this quadrent of the galaxy; "The Kirk". That's right ladies and gentlbeings, you too can now have your very own Captain-Kirk-Cock. The idea of 'human skills' lessons was inspired by captanddeastar, whose So Wise We Grow is one the most wonderful things in the XI fandom.
Disclaimer: Not mine.

Tired of mundane, earthbound sex? Why not let a hot young starship captain take you out of this world? With energetic vibrations in seven speed settings, the Kirk will command your attention from the get-go. And with its bi-directional rotation, Thrusters On Full® technology, and an exciting new 10% engorgement function that mimics the real thing, it's no wonder that the Kirk has been rated a Warp Ten on the PleasurePlanet scale! While not as silent as some of our other models, this vibrator scores high on materials and durability. Made of 100% environmentally-friendly, top-of-the-line skynthetics, it is completely waterproof and safe to use with all water, oil, and silicone-based lubricants. The versatile Captain Kirk is also suitable for external, vaginal, anal, and other orifice play on most* humanoid species. (*See full list of FSA-approved species on the back. Not suitable for insertion into Benzite nasal lobes or Tholian birthing sacs.) Whatever the occasion, we guarantee that the Kirk will take you boldly where you've never gone before! Specs: Size - medium (3 of 5) Speed - high (4.5 of 5) Noise level - loud (5 of 5) Comes in Command Gold, Starship Silver, and Realistic Pink.

James Tiberius Kirk does not blush, and if he does, he does not go Realistic Pink.

"That is not a realistic pink," he says firmly to his companion, not meeting his eyes.

"I will have to take your word for it, Captain," comes the placid reply.

"I'm not a pink kinda guy. It's more like red. A dark red," he says, listening in a sort of dazed horror as the words spew out of his mouth without his brain's permission.

"And what the fuck does it mean, 'medium' sized," his mouth continues. His brain is aghast. "What's medium, anyway? It's unscientific. Did they do a bell curve for all the known humanoid races? I don't think so. And does that include Klingons, cause those fuckers have scary monster dicks, let me tell you--"

"Again," says Spock, "I take your word for it. Sir."

"Not that I have firsthand experience, of course," Kirk hurries to clarify. "It's a biological fact, no point denying it. Klingons are bigger than us, and that's that. Human-us, I mean, not you-us. I have no idea what Vulcan dick sizes are like. In fact there's nothing on the Vulcan reproductive system in any of the standard bio texts. Why's that, do you think?"

Spock looks like he'd rather gnaw off his tongue than reply. "We value privacy," he says finally.

"Oh, good for you," says Kirk lamely.

There's a strained silence. Kirk slowly places the box with The Kirk in it back on its shelf, and tries to stop himself from whistling nonchalantly. Spock continues to stare very conscientiously at the wall.

Then, "Captain," he says suddenly, as if he's just thought of something. "Am I to understand that you were not aware of, or directly involved in, this product's creation?"

Kirk gapes at him. "Are you kidding me, Spock? You think I'd actually do something like that?"

He would, of course, and someone at PleasurePlanet will be hearing from him about royalties when he gets back to the ship. But Spock doesn't need to know that.

"I would not presume to judge, sir," says the Vulcan primly. "But I must enquire, for security reasons of course, if these... models... are anatomically correct?"

"For security reasons?" Kirk's a little sceptical, but Spock doesn't seem like the prurient type.

"Yes sir. Access to your medical and anatomical records without your authorisation would constitute a mid-level security breach."

"Could've just been an ex-lover with photographic memory," Kirk interrupts.

"I had not considered that. Have you had such a lover in the past?"

"Uh, I really have no idea, Spock. They didn't usually stick around long enough for me to find out." And he has no idea where it comes from, this need to tell Spock all his most private, most embarrassing secrets, this need to have him know. But at least this isn't the first time it's happened, and he takes comfort in the fact that Spock's probably used to tuning him out by now.

"If you would answer the question, Captain."

"Fine," Kirk gives in. He takes the box down again and peers at it. About half of the front is taken up by a huge photo of him in his uniform, winking, and the other half is a clear plastic window that shows the product nestled comfortably in a custom-fit polyfoam base. It looks really comfortable, in fact, and in spite of the bizarre situation and Spock breathing disapprovingly down his neck, Kirk can't help but get a teeny bit aroused.

The width and length look about right, he thinks with a grimace, although the colour is totally off. But the window gets cut off near to the top, so it's hard to get a good look at the head, and he can't be a hundred percent sure. He's always thought his dick looks fairly standard, anyway-- it's not like it has a birthmark or any other obvious distinguishing features.

"Sorry, Spock, I can't really tell," he shrugs, half sheepish, half relieved.

"You do not recognise your own penis?" Spock says witheringly. Kirk's dick wilts.

"I can't get a proper look at it," he retorts, rattling the box in Spock's face. "And I have a very normal looking dick." Which sounded a lot less stupid in his head.

"I see," says Spock, even though he clearly doesn't. Then he gives a decisive, First-Officerish nod. "In that case, we shall have to purchase one in order to inspect it."

"What?" Kirk yelps. "No!" He hides the box behind his back and starts to back slowly away.

Which evasive manouevre turns out to be an utter failure, as Spock simply reaches over his shoulder and plucks an identical box -- one of at least a half-dozen -- off the shelf.

"Spock," Kirk says with mounting alarm, "You cannot be serious."

"The captain's security is a serious matter," Spock reminds him.

"I mean it, Spock," Kirk growls, "And that's an order! I will not allow you to buy a copy of my dick!"

This last sentence is uttered, naturally, just as the fat Ferengi proprietor steps out of his backroom and into the otherwise empty store. The shopkeeper grins hugely at them, and then ducks back out again. "Don't mind me, gentlemen. Take your time!"

Kirk covers his face and groans. There's a sound like Spock is replacing the package rather contritely on the shelf, and eventually he dares to look up again.

"I take it, Captain, that this Human Skills lesson is at an end?" Spock asks, sounding deliberately not-hopeful.

Kirk narrows his eyes. "Oh no you don't. You're not getting out of this like you got out of that poker game." Spock had bet all of his chips on the first hand, lost, and then scurried back to be antisocial in his lab.

"In fact," he says with a slow, devious smile as his genius brain starts ticking again, "we'll compromise." Marching up to the counter, he taps the dick-in-a-box against the checkout pad before he can change his mind. "Come on, Spock. We'll head back to the ship, make sure there's no 'security breach'... and then, First Officer, I'll introduce you to the fine art of the human sex toy." With that, he shoves the vibrator into the Vulcan's hands, determined to embarrass Spock as much as Spock has, however inadvertently, embarrassed him.

"You will demonstrate its use?" Spock stares back coolly at him, an unidentifiable glint in his eye.

"Oh, sure, if you like," Kirk says, all breezy bravado, but his heart is pounding and his belly's flopping and his dick is starting to get as stiff as the fake one in Spock's rather firm grip.

"Excellent," Spock returns. With a sinking feeling, Kirk identifies the glint. It's the one that Spock gets when he's saying "checkmate".